Scott Tracy – If you’re in a position where you might need to fight Scott Tracy, you’re probably already fighting Scott Tracy. And maybe you started it or maybe he started it, but it doesn’t matter, because the point is, he’s finishing it. If you’re lucky, Virgil’s there to pull him off what’s left of you. Do not fight Scott Tracy.
John Tracy – Okay, well. Flip a coin. Heads, you’re on earth. Go ahead, fight John Tracy. He’s all long limbs and lean muscle, but in the same way that a newborn giraffe is after that six foot drop out of its mother. Tails, though. Different story. Presuming you even get aboard TB5 to mess with him, between the gravity ring and the airlock, it’s not likely you’ll be on board for long. Even if you do manage to get your hands on him, he moves in 0G like he was born for it, every motion is perfectly calculated. The three body problem in a fight with John Tracy is your body, his body, and whatever he’s about to hit you with. Absent of gravity, stay the hell away from John Tracy.
Virgil Tracy – The question is, why would you want to? He’s just so lovely. All right, well, for the sake of argument; let’s say you are. He’s built like a brick shithouse, why did you think that was a good idea? The good news is, he doesn’t really wanna hurt you. Lucky you. But there’s no good view of that chiseled butt of his when he’s sat on top of you, forcibly de-escalating the situation. Go ahead, fight Virgil Tracy. He’s only two hundred pounds of raw muscle, how bad could that be. Probably your chiropractor will understand.
Gordon Tracy – Here’s what’ll happen if you hit Gordon in the face. He will smile at you. Then he will laugh at you. And he’ll grin the entire time he’s tearing you into itty bitty pieces because:
A) You know what they say about short guys with shit to prove
B) He’ll enjoy this
C) He was basically born waiting for someone to give him a reason to go the hell off.
D) Do not fight Gordon Tracy
Alan Tracy – Read back over the above four answers. If there was even the slightest sliver of doubt in your mind about a violent encounter with any one of his brothers, do not lay a hand on Alan Tracy. If he comes at you, flailing his tiny fists, just let him do it. Because unless you’re in the mood to take on every one of the other four, at the same time, it’s a terrible idea to fight Alan Tracy.
Kayo Kyrano – If you’ve made the fatal mistake of picking on Alan, the surprise good news is, Kayo beat the other four boys to the punch. Literally, she beat them to punching you. She got there first and she just kept punching you and there wasn’t anything you could do about it. You’ve been punched to death. If you’re fighting Kayo entirely of your own accord–well. You know what, take your chances. The worst that’ll happen is you’ll have to bail out of a plane in mid air because she won’t stop throwing the contents of the cargo hold at you.
Brains – Do it. Punch that nerd. Fight Brains. MAX too, that bastard.
Grandma Tracy – You MONSTER. You wanna fight Grandma? Why do you want to fight Grandma? Grandma wears uggs and a onesie year round. Grandma don’t give a fuck. Don’t fight Grandma. Christ.